Lessons are Hard

I think I understand one of the lessons God has been trying to teach me. I am not in control.....wow you would think that would be easy.
It seems we all have some notions of how things are going to work. I wanted to get married, raise my family, do volunteer work when my kids got older.People in my life did not follow my plan. The first man I married had done things I didn't know about and we had to divorce, but I was pregnant. Then I just kind of took the new women's freedom to an extreme but still thought my plan somehow was gonna work anyway. Three more kids and another marriage behind me I am still wondering why things just do not come out the way I want.
Along the way I got separated from my family, my roots, and lost my mother and my faith.
Well that is the point of this blog.
When Mom became sick I still had faith in God but in my notion of how things work. I prayed Mom would be healed. She died. My faith was destroyed. I understood so little. I prayed for healing, Mom was ready to go home to heaven...she was tired and broken by a hard life. disappointed by the men she had chosen to be her life mates and none were right for her. She was healed, not in body but in soul.
This knowledge came to me at a hard cost and many years later.
She died in 1980, 1981 brought the death of my grandfather. 1984 brought the death of my marriage although I know now it died long before then if indeed it was ever alive.
This is where my journey really begins. 1983 I started a journey back to faith, I prayed my marriage ended. God had another plan but all I saw was hurt.
I moved me and my kids to be near my sister and began to build my life. Understand I still thought I had some control. I started seeing a man that I thought would never capture my heart so he could never hurt me. You see he was married his wife was supposed to move to where he was living. ( she never did) and he had a girlfriend. this was a man I could NEVER love. I confess I do.
We are still together, he is divorced but we have never legally married. We could not be more married. He has been there for me through all the hard lessons I yet had to learn.
In 1990 Kevin died, son number 2. It was sudden and may or may not have been drug induced. the autopsy showed a perfectly healthy 21 year old and no drugs were in his system. I had no time to pray for him, but frankly at the time I had no inclination to pray at all. going through his stuff I found a poem he had written. I had it put on the program for his funeral. In it if you pay attention, you will hear that he wanted to go to God, the world was too awful for him. He had a beautiful soul and was at 21 so hurt and tired of the world he was praying to go home. Not home to me but home to God. I knew this when I read it but it gave me no comfort. In fact I refused all the comfort that God sent me. I hated God at this point, in fact I denied his existence, to him of course. I guess no matter how hard I tried I could not deny my belief in God.
Time moves on I my sons marry and I become a grandmother. Marriages, divorces, kids a move across country.
2000 I started attending a small Church. How I came to go is the subject of another blog someday.
2003 my granddaughter accuses her father of molestation. I won't get into a discussion of his guilt at this point because it doesn't matter to the lesson. For the record he denied it I believe him for many reasons. The jury believed him as well that is what they told his lawyer afterward and why they recommended a light sentence, they decided to convict him because they were afraid of not being right. I have never understood this reasoning. Between the time of his being accused and when he was sentenced he was drawn close to God. He spent 2 years in Prison, at 4 months if he had said I am guilty and sorry he could have been released. He refused. I saw him every week for 8 hours him and I , we talked of God, and just stuff and played a ton of cards. I cherish those 2 years. He became a new man in God and I could see the changes in him.
His wife did not see what I saw. He was out for a week when he took his life in a moment of despair after a fight with her. I am sure he changed his mind because he vomited up the pills. It is just that what he chose to take was not reversible. He went home to God. he was 38.
This time God had prepared my faith, talks with him, the pastor of the Church I attend..and lots of Bible study had strengthened me. God was my comfort in a way no one who has not fully relied on God can ever understand.
Now for the lessons I have learned.
1. It is my life but it only works well when I trust gods plan.
2. all prayer is answered. Even when we do not understand the answer.
3. Everything in Gods time not ours.
4. You can't rush God
5. Maybe the most important you cannot get close to God unless you talk to him AND listen to him.
6. Life does come with a manual, it is called the BIBLE.